Thursday, April 18, 2013

Would You Survive the Zombie Apocalypse?

My wife and I were talking about this the other day, and how the way someone approaches their time in the gym would likely reflect how they'd handle the overwhelming potential for a horrible death during an outbreak of the zombie virus.


We spend at least 1.5hrs a day in the car together.  We talk about lots of things.

Anyway, we figure that right from the start, if they're not fit and active they're going to be the first to go down.  Remember that the first rule of surviving a zombie apocalypse according to Zombieland: "cardio".  Actually, say what you will about them - at least in the initial stages of the infestation, the majority of those who survive the first wave are going to be Crossfitters.  Keep that in mind the next time you're doing a corrective exercise with bands on the floor and they're deadlifting 500lbs before sprinting on the treadmill and eating a raw steak with no hands.

Now, that being said, once the first wave eases off and you settle in to survive then every group will be made up of certain "types" - and Sash and I figure what type you are may be determined by your training style.  Below I've listed a VERY scientific breakdown of the types, their likely approach to training, and their chances of survival.


The Grinder:  The likely majority of the group, following the plans of the others.  Steady, hard workers that know when they're out of their element and will follow others if there is an intelligent, common sense approach to the plan.  Training Style:  Works out steadily and consistently, and has for years.  Keeps in moderately good shape - certainly nothing elite, but far better than sedentary.  Won't push through anything too challenging (sometimes a good thing, sometimes a hindrance).  Long Term Chance of Survival: 65%

The Whiner:  You know this person.  In the group, they're the ones who always break down when things get stressful, crying and freaking out at just the wrong times (like when you're locked in a room with no apparent escape).  While everyone else is trying to find a solution, they're sobbing in a corner.  Training Style: Steady (meaning they aren't the type who come in just after New Years, train, and then disappear until the next January) but they are inconsistent, constantly missing workouts because they have a cold, or allergies, non-specific foot pain, or something else.  And of the workouts they make, half of those are terrible because they are trying to "work through the cold" (or some other nonsense).  Long Term Chance of Survival: 10%

The Guardian:  Always quietly looking out for the whiner - usually it's a spouse or a sibling.  They never contradict the whiner, and they will often deflect the abuse that the rest of the group is directing at the whiner.  In fact, the whiner's survival is pretty much dictated by their guardian - the rest of the group will generally want the whiner gone as they're dead weight on the group.  If the guardian dies - the whiner is likely not far behind.  I should note - the guardian is often the right hand man/woman to the "leader" (see below).  Training Style: trains hard, smart and steady, and never misses a workout... unless needy spouse/sibling wants them instead.  Long Term Chance of Survival: 50% (if they can survive the death of the whiner relatively unscathed, both mentally and physically - chances increase to 80%).

The Pseudo-Hero:  Full of bravado.  Runs headlong into a room of the undead and takes them all out, allowing the group to rush through to the vehicle on the other side.  Makes them valuable, but their lack of common sense and restraint may be a liability - at least in terms of their own survival.  Their lack of fear may keep them alive longer than you might expect.  Training Style:  Injury - what injury?  "Sick" is a state of mind!  These folks will train no matter what, and always at 125% - which means they're chronically injured but somehow still find a way to pummel their bodies.  They're in great shape, but not as good as they could be with a little bit of planned moderation.  Long Term Chance of Survival: 70%


The Leader:  May or may not appear as the group's leader to begin with - not necessarily an overt captain, and may not want to be.  Steady, strong, willing to take the risks if they make sense, but won't willingly go into a situation without a plan - however, if the situation dictates, able to be creative, modifying and applying what they know.  Conviction in their thoughts and confidence in their knowledge draws others along with them. Can't do it all on their own, and know that - needs the backing of the pseudo-hero and the guardian to make it all work.  Training Style: researched, well-informed and planned - pushing themselves when new limits need to be reached, and backing off when they know they should.  Others will often ask them questions about their training because of the results they see - but few are actually interested in the patience this approach requires.  Long Term Chance of Survival: 85%

~ Guy

1 comment:

  1. I wouldn't last long enough to be profiled....to quote a Nicolas Cage B movie at best...I'd be Gone in 60 seconds.

    ReplyDelete

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.